I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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