I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Please, let me fuck your mom
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
