I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
