sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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