My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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