i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
