Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
