I just made out with a guy for $7.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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