The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
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