moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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