Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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