Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
