I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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