whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize