I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
