Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
