Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
