moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
