Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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