I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
