yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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