I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize