i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
