so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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