me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
