my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
