dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
