Don't you send me to vm
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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