I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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