i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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