Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
smell my finger.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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