she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
