just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize