John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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