i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
