im having a threesome with these popsicles
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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