We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
