You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
