i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Floor bacon is actually really good
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
