Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
