if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
