My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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