I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
