It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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