thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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