who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
