youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
