My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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