I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
