We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
