So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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