Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
